Finally transferred these over from the old site:
Giraffe goes into a pub for a pint of lager. Barman charges him £11.50. Giraffe orders second pint, again barman charges him £11.50. Barman says, "We don't get many giraffes drinking in here." Giraffe says, "At £11.50 a pint I'm not surprised".
Little boy goes into his pregnant mother and says " mummy why have you got such a big tummy", mum replies, well daddy gave me a baby and he's inside. Boy looks at his mum puzzled but wanders off to find dad. He asks his dad, "Dad, did you give mummy a baby" - "YES" replies dad - to which the boy says with great joy "Well mummy's gone and eaten it".
This man fell into a vat of paint, he was rushed to hospital, but could not speak - the nurse said he was overcome with emulsion!
I took my white horse to the pub for a pint. Barman said, "We've got a whisky named after your horse." I said, "What, Eric?"
The other day I was walking down a country lane and saw a young girl walking towards me with a cow on a lead. I stopped and asked her what she was doing. She said, "I'm taking the cow to see the bull." I said, "couldn't your father do it?" "Oh no" she said, "it has to be the bull."
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
Two women talking. One says to the other, "My husband works for Cunard." The second one says, "Yeah, my husband works pretty hard too!"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
What do you call a girl walking around with a radiator on her head?
What do you call a girl with a slate on her head?
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the barman, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?". "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."
A man walks into the butchers and asks "Have you got any ox-tails? The butcher replies "Certainly sir, once upon a time there was an ox...
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you?"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A man walked into a pub with his pet poodle, after seeing a sign 'no dogs', being very thirsty he pretended to be blind. When confronted by the barman, he said "I'm blind and this dog is a guide dog. The barman said "That's no guide dog, its the wrong breed!". Man replied "Why what kind of dog have they given me?"
A man walked into a bank and asked the cashier to check his balance. So she pushed him.
A man walked into a pub went up to the bar and asked for a pint of beer, which he was duly served and walked up the wall, across the ceiling down the wall the other side and sat down. A startled customer went up to the barman and said "that's unusual" to which the barman replied "yes, he normally only has a half!!!!!!!!!
What do you give the girl who's got everything? Penicillin !!!
We took mother in law to a bull fight in Spain and she fell into the ring. Teams of surgeons worked non stop for five hours but they couldn't save the bull.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Man goes to the doc's with a custard and jelly dripping from his ears --- doc says 'you're a TRIFLE deaf'
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Sorry, I can't drive".
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for another year!
A guy goes into the butchers and says I bet you fifty quid you can't touch that meat hanging up in the corner. The butcher says I'm not betting on that, the steaks are too high!!
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A dog walked into a bar and the barman noticed that he has his foot in a bandage. 'What are you doing in here?' asked the barman. 'I'm looking for the man that shot my paw'.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
The wife and I got a waterbed but after a while we had to get rid of it as we found we were drifting apart.
And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)
"Its a great advantage to be able to hurdle with both legs" (David Coleman)
"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)
"After playing Cameroon in the 1990 world cup finals: "We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought" (Bobby Robson)
"And with an alphabetical irony, Nigeria follows New Zealand" (David Coleman)
On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy: "It was like being in a foreign country" (Ian Rush)
"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)
"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalised" (Ian McNail)
"I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat" (Ron Atkinson)
"I was in a no-win situation, so I'm glad that I won rather than lost" (Frank Bruno)
"There's going to be a real ding-dong when the bell goes." (David Coleman)
"There is Brendan Foster, by himself, with 20,000 people" (David Coleman)
"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)
"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel" (Stuart Pearce)
"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)
"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of hem serious" (Alan Minter)
"Watch the time -it gives you an indication of how fast they are running" (Ron Pickering)
"Just under 10 seconds for Nigel Mansel. Call it 9.5 seconds in round numbers" (Murray Walker)
"Playing with wingers is more effective against European sides like Brazil than English sides like Wales" (Ron Greenwood)
"A brain scan revealed that Andrew Caddick is not suffering from stress fracture of the shin" (Jo Sheldon)
"The French are not normally a Nordic Skiing Nation" (Ron Pickering)
"That's inches away from being millimetre perfect" (Ted Lowe)
"Bobby Gould thinks I'm trying to stab him in the back. In fact I'm right behind him" (Stuart Pearson)
"I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right" (Marlon Starling)
"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)
"I can't tell who's leading - It's either Oxford or Cambridge" (John Snagge - Boat Race)
"The Queen's Park Oval, exactly as its name suggests - absolutely round." (Tony Cozier)