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Pernicious Puns

 

Some Perniciously Punishing Past Puns


I submitted ten puns to this site hoping to get one listed, but no pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the ineffective boss who couldn't figure out how to use the fax machine? He was a fax-silly-me.

Q. Why do you call winter Musical Weather?
A. Because if you don't C sharp, you'll B flat!

Q. What do you call a peeping Tom?
A. A window pain.

A duck walked in the store and bought some lipstick. When he was ready to pay he said, "Put it on my bill."

I saw two beer trucks racing each other - both of them were trying to get ahead.

What's the difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful is against the law; illegal is a sick bird.

Harassment of overweight people is still widely used.

Q: Where do Alaskan Ichtheologians (fish worshipers) do their schooling?
A: In the salmonary

One day a cannibal was walking through the jungle, and he passed a missionary.

I was fired from the Orange Juice Plant last week. I just couldn't concentrate.

Q: Why was Tigger looking in the toilet bowl?
A: He was looking for Pooh!

Statisticians say "mean" things.

Q. Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
A. His ghoul friend.

A lady walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one....

Why do famous people feel cool? Because they are surrounded by fans!

Did you hear about the electrician who became an evangelist? He became known as a CIRCUIT riding preacher!

Q: What was the witches favourite subject in school?
A: Spelling

Q: What do you get when you divide the diameter of a jack-o-lantern by its circumference?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Sign on a baker’s shop: Come in, I knead the dough!

Being Baroque is when you're out of Monet

In the Soviet Union, when they want people to hurry up, they tell them to quit Stalin and start Russian.

Q: What do you call a dog that throws up in the house?
A: HOMESICK!

An impassioned speech to a tribe of overweight Indians: A diet-tribe

Q. What might break out if a bunch of prowlers stumbled into poison ivy?
A. A rash of burglaries

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."

This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, buddy, your pants are down"

Mr Dunlop went to a professor and asked him to do a pun on his name. The professor said, "Lop off the last syllable and it is Dun."

How come you can catch a cold, but you can't catch a warm?

The man who invented the boomerang tried for a comeback.

A photofinisher says, "Someday my prints will come."

The price of duck feathers has increased. Now even down is up.

Although straw hats went out of style, they had their hay day.

Two wrongs might make a riot.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

In 1883, the first bakery opened on the yeast coast.

I know a lingerie buyer who gave his wife the slip.

My electrician usually worries about current events.

He could always find the liquor bottle - he had a "fifth" sense.

David and Goliath: Prophet and loss.

Bank ad: Come in and see us if you are loan-ly.

An autobiography is an I-witness account.

Rich foods are like destiny. They, too, shape our ends.

Please turn off the lights when not using. Thanks a watt.

Definition of Paronomasia: A pun pal.

When two car companies merge, do they become industry alloys?

Synonym for writer's cramp: "Authoritis"

A six-foot termite walks into a corner bar. He raps on the bar and asks: "Excuse me...Is the bartender here?"

She was only a rancher's daughter but all the cow man

She was only a moon shiner's daughter but I love her still

An eccentric millionaire could also be known as a fortune kookie...

Big Ben: The tock of the tow

The problem with hiring tailors is that they are always looking for fringe benefits!

The pessimist's drug: Damitol!

Do restaurant patrons in Prague always get separate Czechs?
A gossip is a person with a keen sense of rumour

Editing is a rewording activity

Did you hear about the guy who survived being struck by lightning? He was shocked!

"I thought I was supposed to be immortal!" Dracula said painstakingly.

I will be dead tomb-morrow
It's just a pun--really!

I never like to have coffee because it just is not my cup of tea

Did you hear about the Viagra pill for men--if you swallow it slowly, you'll get a stiff neck
A winner in the best pun wannabe category!

I wanted to make a pun about the United States' World Cup chances in the summer of 1998, but Iran out of ideas...
Nice last-minute goal, though...

Last night I dreamt that I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted!

One man's fish is another man's poisson.

Q: What is a vampire's favourite sport?
A: Baseball! Drives them BATTY!

Heard at an optometrist's convention: "The Eyes have it"

"Bear Overthrows Disneyland in Pooh D'etat"

If you run over a clown from "In Living Colour," will you be charged with vehicular Homey-cide?

Did you hear about the bank who wanted its bankrupt customer brought in "Debtor Alive"?

I rented my doghouse on a 10-year leash.

Q: Why didn’t the frog sit on the toadstool?
A: Because there wasn’t mushroom.

One foot was looking for another foot to marry because it wanted a sole-mate.
Sign on a hair salon: "Curl Up and Dye"

"She said I lived in an ugly house, so I knocked her flat!"

Halloween Costume ideas: A pair of fuzzy dice with a map (Pair-'a-dice-lost) or an MD with fangs and a cape (Doc-ula)

Q: What do the Starship Enterprise and Van Gogh have in common?
A: They are both searching for the Final Front Ear!

On the tombstone of a farmer whose dying wish was to be buried in his vegetable garden: "Rest in Peas"

Favourite book of cleaners: "Grime and Punishment"

Sign on entrance to delicatessen: KNOCKWURST BEFORE ENTERING!

Someone I know has a dentist named Dr. Parradine. If he moved his office, it would be a "Parradine-shift."

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Show me where Stalin is buried and I'll show you a communist plot.

Two maggots were fighting in dead Earnest

Did you hear about the absent-minded nurse that made the patient without disturbing the bed?

In the Pyrenees, care must be taken if a fire breaks out in a movie theater, so as not to "put all your Basques in one exit."

"Energiser Bunny arrested, charged with battery."

Did you hear about the Old Testament hooker? She was arrested for trying to make a Prophet!

Recently I experienced muscle pain after installing a sound-deadening device on my car's exhaust system. The doctor diagnosed it as a case of muffler cramps.

The dean of the chemistry department at Notre Dame told a research professor that he wasn't generating enough papers in his field and he would now be relegated to becoming a clergyman. That's the consequences of the "publish or parish" philosophy.

Q: What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
A: "Law-suits."

Q: What direction does a sneeze travel?
A: Atchoo!

Did you hear about the optician who made a spectacle of himself?

The women's Olympic swimming champion was a girl worth wading for.

Q: What did Samson die of?
A: Fallen arches

Q: What did one horse say to the other?
A: "I can't remember your mane but your pace is familiar."

Q: Why are veterinarians so exclusive?
A: Because all of their patients are pre-furred customers.

Did you hear about the frustrated duck? He couldn't get his down up.

Did you hear about the fellow who knew so much about ducks that he tended to talk down to people

Did you hear that a new restaurant opened in India? It's a New Delhicatessen.

Little known fact: One day, Mr. Ed couldn't perform because he was feeling a little horse.

An ailing old man who was eating chickpeas at his favourite restaurant saved the chef's life and was honoured post-humous-ly.

Favourite book of Punsters: "Crime and Pun-ishment"

Q: How did the champion vegetable patch keep its title?
A: It just couldn't be beet.

When asked by a higher officer how some compulsive gamblers were doing as sailors, the captain said, "Generally fine, except when they hear, "All hands on deck." Then they all pick up their cards!"

Army dental corps always have good drill units!

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
When she told me I was average, she was just being mean.

Definition of a folk singer: An avante bard

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Q: Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas?
A: They cantaloupe.

If you don't like rock music, try classical. Can you Handel it? If you're not dead Baroque, you can afford it. (Like a painting collector out of Monet.) If you decide to buy some classical piano music, don't forget to bring your Chopin Liszt! Or you can play Haydn go seek. Or as Bizet would say, "Carmen get it."

A doctor passed a nurse in the hallway. He cauterize and winked. She intern winked back.

Sign on Music Store: "Out to Lunch, Bach at 1:00, Offenbach at 2:00"

Is PUNANON next? If a program like this were held in the mountains of Mongolia, would it be a 12 steppe program?

A nun walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I have this terrible habit..."

A Czechoslovakian man was running from hit men and needed a place to hide, so he ran into a bank and asked the teller, "Would you be so kind as to cache a Czech?"

Did you hear about the group of journalists who formed a clothing optional track club?
Their motto was "All the Nudes That’s Fit to Sprint"

Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
I tried thinking of a pun for "Rachmaninov" or "Stravinski" with no success, so a kind person (Bev Sykes) sent me this response:
Oh come Orff it. Don't go Haydn your light under a bushel. You can duet. I'd help but I'm too Bizet.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who ran through the screen door?
A: He strained himself.

Q: Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and ate kids?
A: Two peanuts were walking down the sidewalk.

One was assaulted... peanut.

A good cook never cooks carrots and pees in the same pot.

An electrician finally arrived at his house at 2 a.m.
His wife was waiting and said "Wire you insulate?"
The reply was "Watts it to you, I’m ohm ain’t I?"

Did you hear about the sick poet who went from bed to verse?

When the Beatles get together again in twenty years, will their drummer be that wrinkled star?
Author's note: If Ringo's band played songs "from Rubber Soul", would it be called "Ringo Starr and his All-Star Rubber Band"?

Definition of a PUN: a slay on words!

A lion was walking in the jungle and met two men, one sitting on a rock reading a book, the other working at a typewriter. The lion ate only one. Which one and why?
He ate the man reading the book, because everyone knows that readers digest and writer’s cramp.

Two atoms run into each other. One atom says, "I think I lost an electron."
The second atom asks, "Are you sure?"
The first atom replies, "I'm positive."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?"
The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

I was complaining the other day to a friend about the knot in my tie. He asked, "Do you know how to do a Windsor knot?" I replied, "It doesn't matter if you Windsor knot, it's how you play the game!"

I have a friend who made billions of dollars writing and selling Cliff Notes. One day I
asked him where he got the idea and he said, "Well, to make a long story short...."
Bill went to the chiropractor, thinking that the chiropractor wouldn't be able to treat his chronic back pain. After a few minutes, his back felt like new. When the doctor asked, "How do you feel about chiropractors now," Bill replied, "I stand corrected!"

Our coin collectors club met last week. Theme for the meeting was "For old dimes sake"

Anyone with "cloisterphobia" should not consider becoming a monk!

Ever wonder what ever happened to all of the dogs after Pavlov's famous experiment? They were donated to the "Salivation" Army.
Idea for a new National Public Radio review of sportsmag swimsuit issues: "All Thongs Considered"

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a tepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."

I have submitted 10 puns to your Web Page over the past few weeks and although I have looked for them to be posted, so far No Pun In Ten Did.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?
A: "cell phones".

Patty saw all the different brands of light bulbs on aisle 9. She stopped and thought, then decided to choose by process of illumination.

"Let them eat assorted meat by-products" - Marie Spam-tionette

Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel ?
A: Dis-gruntled.

Tourists need to be careful of what they eat when travelling in France, lest they get Lautrec's revenge--when the bowels get "Toulouse".

A convict in Leavenworth wanted to telephone a fellow convict in Attica, so he called him "prison to prison".

A newspaper editor was captured by cannibals and consumed by their leader. In other words, he became "editor-in-chief".

During the Revolutionary War, when England lost the battle of Saratoga because General Howe stayed in Philadelphia, it was due to "lack of no Howe".

Did you hear about the Old Testament hooker? She was arrested for trying to make a Prophet!

"Take a charcoal briquette and a boom box on a date. If anyone asks any questions, just smile and say that you are radio carbon dating."

I just heard that a radical segment of the woodworkers union broke off and formed a splinter group.

What would you call a sitcom with Archie Bunker as a carpenter?
"Awl in the Family"

Did you hear about the art dealer who was transporting some valuable paintings to customers when his truck shot off a bridge and fell into a river? Questioned later by the police, the dealer observed, "I hated Toulouse-Lautrec, but that's the way the Van Goghs."

Q: What's a good name for a writer's daughter?
A: Paige.

Definition of monotony: being married to the same person for the rest of your life.

Q:What must you be very careful about when applying for a job by letter?
A:You must spell all the words write.

Does the customer who buys malts at the carnival always get a fair shake?

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome".

Did you hear about the entrepreneur who bought an old, crumbling building with a bell tower and turned it into a strip joint? He wanted the belles to peel.

Did you hear about the proctologist who uses ferns to clean out your system?
His motto: "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Q: Name the document that nobles on a volcanic island forced the king to sign in order to give them more rights
A: The Magma Carta

What did that the college dean say after graduation ceremonies were interrupted by the deafening sound of an erupting volcano? "That magma cum laud!"

I had trouble finding the shellac because it had varnished from sight.

Nuclear physicists often have trouble concentrating on one project because they have too many ions in the fire.

What excuse did Puff give for being late? "Sorry, my ass is dragon."

A college president warned the alumni chairman against requesting too much money at one time by saying, "Don't put all your begs in one ask it."

Did you hear about the humorist who only told jokes about sausage? His friends said his jokes were the wurst.

The old soldier-turned-sausage-maker wrote a book based on his life, titled "Wurst Stories"

My supermarket was just taken over by CNN. Now they're selling OJ in a special "trial" size...

Nero was talking to his financial advisors in a Roman amphitheatre. "Why aren't we making any money from this building?" he said. An advisor replied, "Because the lions are eating up all the prophets."

A herring that for many years swam along with a friendly whale appeared one day without its companion. Asked where the whale was, the herring replied: "How would I know? Am I my blubber's kipper?"

After a Southern man moved from Atlanta to a New Jersey suburb, a fellow passenger on a train asked how he liked it in the country. "It was difficult at first," the man replied, "but it's a lot better since I got myself a paramour." The passenger was astonished. "A paramour?" he said. "Does your wife know?" Sure," said the Southerner. "She doesn't care how I cut the grass."

Library ad idea: "Check out" books at the library. It's a "novel" idea.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said,
"This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

Antidifferentiation is an integral part of Calculus

What is it called when Vulcans get a burning desire to make terrible jokes every seven years? The Pun-far.
Yes, this is funny (to about three people) because on Star Trek, Vulcans get the burning desire to mate every seven years, called the "Pon-far"

Q: Why did I disconnect the door bell?
A: I wanted the no-bell prize.

Q: Why did the chef disconnect the door bell and replace it with peas outside his door? A: He wanted the no-bell peas prize...

A type of Scottish cheese: Loch Ness Muenster

There was a new Navy recruit who washed out of an artificial insemination experiment. He wasn't a seaman first class.

Dieter's newspaper: "Word to the Wides"

A bad cocktail party is a fete worse than death.

Meteor showers: How stars clean themselves

Mail bonding: What some co-workers do at the post office

A Meteor is an example of a rock star.

The Devil has been having so much trouble selling sins that he is renting his back stock at quantity discounts. However, I think I will only take a couple, because I want to be the lessor of two evils.

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

Did you hear about the bird thieves who were accused of fowl play?

A zookeeper having trouble with the aviary would could be having a bad owl movement. (sorry, that was just a play on birds)

A new type of fruit for college students: the Carnegie Melon

Statisticians love graphitti.

I had just written the word Banana when much to my amazement the letters suddenly rearranged themselves to spell the word Abanan. Asking my teacher to explain this, she said: "it's either a case of consonantal drift or you've just had a vowel movement!"

Q: What kind of personality did the badly forged sword have?
A: Ill-tempered

Just chicken in: didn't you win the Pullet Surprise?
Ice--that's cool!

What does an overzealous beaver say when he sees his rival beaver has built a better home? "Dam!"

Proposed title for a movie about teenage romance in prehistoric times, starring John Cusack as a caveman: "Slay Anything"

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Electricians always keep up with current events.

A policeman arrested a judge who was dressed up as a convict to go to a party. Later the policeman learned that you should never book a judge by his cover!

The Lord of the Rings books can be hobbit-forming.

What do you call a fish with 2 knees? A 2-knee-fish

Bakers never have time to loaf off. Variation: Bakers are in loaf with their work, though they're loaf to admit it.

Some balding men want natural hair at no cost; in other words, they don't want toupee.

Did you hear about the famous guitarist who also made great preserves? He loved jam sessions.

Another name for a hippie baker: flour child

Is a fancy frankfurter a haute dog?

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

Definition of sarcasm: Quip lash

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

Definition of coup d'etat: Rock and Rule

You may lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.

It was so quiet in the bowling alley that you could hear a pin drop...

"Sects! Sects! Sects!" said the first monk to the second. "Is that all you think about?"

Did you hear about the man who couldn't find anyone to sing with? He had to buy a duet-yourself kit.

Kim: "Say something soft and sweet."
Dave: "Marshmallow."

Did you hear about the science lab burglar? The police eventually colloid him.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Fine print: A clause for suspicion

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

A baker's motto: "It's nice to be kneaded."

"The first tavern to open in Alaska was a polar bar."

"Termites never die. They just go on living happily ever rafter."

A bachelor is a guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

 

 

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