Giraffe goes into a pub for a pint of lager. Barman charges him £11.50. Giraffe orders second pint, again barman charges him £11.50. Barman says, "We don't get many giraffes drinking in here." Giraffe says, "At £11.50 a pint I'm not surprised".
Little boy goes into his pregnant mother and says " mummy why have you got such a big tummy", mum replies, well daddy gave me a baby and he's inside. Boy looks at his mum puzzled but wanders off to find dad. He asks his dad, "Dad, did you give mummy a baby" - "YES" replies dad - to which the boy says with great joy "Well mummys gone and eaten it"
This man fell into a vat of paint, he was rushed to hospital, but could not speak - the nurse said he was overcome with emulsion!
I took my white horse to the pub for a pint. Barman said, "We've got a whisky named after your horse." I said, "What, Eric?"
The other day I was walking down a country lane and saw a young girl walking towards me with a cow on a lead. I stopped and asked her what she was doing. She said, "I'm taking the cow to see the bull." I said, "couldn't your father do it?" "Oh no" she said, "it has to be the bull."
A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"
Two women talking. One says to the other, "My husband works for Cunard." The second one says, "Yeah, my husband works pretty hard too!"
A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gave her one.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
What do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack.
What do you call a girl walking around with a radiator on her head? Anita
What do you call a girl with a slate on her head? Ruth
A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar "Pint of best" he says to the barman, Whilst waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables He goes up to him and says "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?". "Yes" the old man replies. "Do you want a pint?" "No, ta. I've got one 'ere."
A man walks into the butchers and asks "Have you got any ox-tails? The butcher replies "Certainly sir, once upon a time there was an ox...
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says "Does this taste funny to you?"
Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A man walked into a pub with his pet poodle, after seeing a sign 'no dogs', being very thirsty he pretended to be blind. When confronted by the barman, he said "I'm blind and this dog is a guide dog. The barman said "That's no guide dog, its the wrong breed!". Man replied "Why what kind of dog have they given me?"
A man walked into a bank and asked the cashier to check his balance. So she pushed him.
A man walked into a pub went up to the bar and asked for a pint of beer, which he was duly served and walked up the wall, across the ceiling down the wall the other side and sat down. A startled customer went up to the barman and said "that's unusual" to which the barman replied "yes, he normally only has a half!!!!!!!!!
What do you give the girl who's got everything? Penicillin !!!
We took mother in law to a bull fight in Spain and she fell into the ring. Teams of surgeons worked non stop for five hours but they couldn't save the bull.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? ... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
Man goes to the doc's with a custard and jelly dripping from his ears --- doc says 'you're a TRIFLE deaf'
Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other, "Sorry, I can't drive".
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for another year!
A guy goes into the butchers and says I bet you fifty quid you can't touch that meat hanging up in the corner. The butcher says I'm not betting on that, the steaks are too high!!
A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"
A dog walked into a bar and the barman noticed that he has his foot in a bandage. 'What are you doing in here?' asked the barman. 'I'm looking for the man that shot my paw'.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
The wife and I got a waterbed but after a while we had to get rid of it as we found we were drifting apart.
And here's Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)